Crime Watch

I recently moved into a new house that I’m sharing with two other friends. One of my roommates went home to Oregon for a month and the other is set to make his move from New York to LA at the beginning of September. So I have been living solo for pretty much the whole month we’ve been renting. I like moving into new places because you can kind of start fresh; decorate differently and trick yourself into thinking that this will be your first grown up house. The place where you will host parties with appetizers and wine glass charms so there are no mix-ups. But then you carry your beer bong in and store it on the dining room table and you are taken harshly back to reality. The one thing I do not like about moving is having to learn all the quirks of your new place.

For instance, I’ve had to learn that the fan in the bathroom sounds like a terrorist attack, but is harmless. I’ve had to come to terms with that fact that my bedroom door only has a doorknob on the inside; making it clear to NOT go inside if the door is closed because there must be someone (not me) inside. I’ve had to grow accustomed to the squeaky front gate being the perfect entrance sound for a psycho killer, and reminding myself it’s probably just the landlord coming to turn on the sprinklers or his grandkids using the hose to fill up their water guns. And yes, all my concerns about the quirks sprout form a place of fear and that is because living I’ve been living alone for the past few weeks and THAT means I have had way too much time to think. I’m pretty confident that no one is going to break in, I live in a very safe and quiet neighborhood…And I check each door and window three times before I go to bed and use the deadbolt of my one-knobbed bedroom door each night. I’m safe.

The thing is that IF someone were to break in no one would know I was in danger because I don’t think I would scream. I think it’s unrealistic to think anyone can muster something more than a loud gasp when they are surprised by something/someone. I mean I know I can yell. But that is must more in the cheering sense. Like, I’m great at sporting events. I don’t think I would make a sound if I were in danger, most definitely not one of those bloodcurdling shrieks in movies. I’m sitting here at my computer and, for practice’s sake, can’t force myself to scream, and I’m not even paralyzed with fear right now. How could I possibly handle the real deal?

When I share this concern, which is actually much more of an observation than a concern, people tell me that in the heat of the moment, with an adrenaline rush I could and probably would scream. I beg to differ. The only screaming I’ve done off an adrenaline rush was telling an opposing player “I will fuck you up” in the middle of a basketball game. The problem being 1. It wasn’t really a scream; it was more of a low, winded, lie. And 2. I wasn’t in danger. Except of losing a playoff game. My senior year. When we really had a talented team. But WHATEVER IT’S IN THE PAST.

When I was much younger my dad told me that if there was an emergency and I needed help right away I should yell ‘fire.’ Yelling ‘fire’ gets the speediest results because a fire can affect a lot of people very quickly. I really wish that a barely audible ‘oh shit’ did the trick because then I wouldn’t be so concerned about my safety.

Don’t get me wrong I don’t actually think I will be attacked/robbed/or mugged, I have much more realistic things to worry about like running out of gas on the highway and flying. I do think, though, that I would be most okay-ish with being mugged. First of all, who mugs anymore? It’s useless. No one carries cash these days and you can cancel all your cards in a matter of 15 minutes, which might not even be necessary if you only have a debit card and the mugger doesn’t know your PIN. You really could argue that technology has affected muggings the most.

Mugger: (with gun) “Give me all your wallet!”
Muggee: “Okay, okay, here” (tosses wallet to mugger)
Mugger: (rifling through) “Dammit! No cash!”
Muggee: “My bank charges to take cash out so I never do.”
Mugger: (searching wallet) “Dammit! No credit card, only a debit card!”
Muggee: “I don’t want to develop bad credit.”
Mugger: “Fine! Give me your PIN number! Now! Give it to me!” (pointing gun at muggee’s head)
Muggee: (panicking) “Umm, okay okay. Let me think, it’s my birthday…”
Mugger: “Come on!”
Muggee: “I’m sorry I can really only think of my PIN with a keypad in front of me.”
Mugger: “Are you serious?!”
Muggee: “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m a little flustered.”
Mugger: (pulling out iPhone) “Here, here use the keypad on my phone.”
Muggee: “I don’t know how to use these touch screens!”
Cops arrive.
Mugger: “Dammit!!”

Now, obviously this is the ideal situation. Honestly though, I think I would be okay with a mugging as long as they leave me my drivers license, ‘cuz, I mean, come on. No one likes going to the DMV. Don’t be a jerk.