Adventures in Fitness!

I mailed the spec episode of How I Met Your Mother that my brother and I wrote to the Disney Writer’s Fellowship today! Thank you to everyone who read it and gave us feedback! The most consistent feedback we got was that it was pretttttty awesome so send good vibes to our little episode!

The other day I was going to the gym and I had a very interesting encounter in the elevator. My gym is on the second floor of an office building and I always take the elevator for two very important reasons: 1. I tried the very first day to find the stairs and wandered around aimlessly for awhile and now I’ve been going there for too long to ask where they are. And 2. I think it’s important to reward yourself before the work out as well as after. That’s why I always have a pastry on my way to the gym and crack open a beer as soon as I get home. You need to keep yourself motivated.
Anyway, I got into the same elevator as a fairly large woman and her young son. I pressed level 2 for the gym, the woman laughed and said, “I always think it’s so funny that you people going to the gym can’t walk up one flight of stairs to get there”. I laughed a bit too then said the first thing that came to mind in my defense, “I can’t find the stairs”. She told me they were right between the front entrance and the elevators, her son snorted a laugh at me and then the doors opened. I continued to ponder this experience and realized two things: 1. the woman could have been a racist, I told you about my gym and she DID use the term “you people” and 2. She was headed to the THIRD FLOOR. There is just no excuse for this in my book. She was teaching her son to not only laugh at those who can’t find the stairs (what if I was blind?) but to be lazy. Don’t worry, I called social services. Just doing my part.

Icebreakers

Something really awkward happened this weekend. There is no other way to put it. And I actually usually love awkward situations, when I can feel comfortable in a different situation immediately following. No such luck this time. One of my roommates who is not home very often, (and by that I mean I’ve seen her three times since I moved in over three weeks ago) comes home and asks me to cut her jeans into shorts for her. While they are on her body. This is NOT an easy task. So, the fear that I was going to make the cuts uneven and mangle her homemade jorts, coupled with the pure unease with the entire situation I think I may have ruined the project. She seemed pleased and thankful, but she left the house again later, sans Anna’s personalized Daisy Dukes. I think it goes without saying that I took alteration house calls off my resume.

Ummm Colorado isn't a developing state....

I had heard from some of my friends, who migrated to Colorado from other states at a young age, that there are some odd stereotypes about Colorado from an outsider’s perspective. I had never encountered this before because, well, I've lived in that wonderful state my whole life. Many people who have either never been to CO or have only skied there, are under this strange impression that it is a fend for yourself state, a place where technology and hot water have not yet reached. A state where we ski or ride horses to school that is if we aren't homeschooled to save time to work on the family farm. I'm aware there are farms in CO, but not in Denver.
So, a couple nights ago I walked into my roommates room and she was watching the E! network with one of her guy friends. The TV show was Kendra (for those who don't know Kendra, you don't know JACK! just kidding, it's a reality show of a former Playboy playmate, cameras follow her around her house with her husband and newborn son as she tries to tackle household duties and motherhood. That explanation is mostly for my parents because everybody knows about Kendra). I do have a soft spot in my heart for Kendra, I think the love between her and her husband is real, so hard to find on reality TV these days. So, because our TV in college was constantly set to the E! network and I'm a 22 year old college student not a Mormon choir girl, I have seen Kendra. Anyway, there was a scene in which Kendra is hard at work on the stripper pole set up in her living room (the only acceptable place for a home stripper pole). And the boy in the room says, "well, welcome to LA" almost apologizing for the crude behavior on the tv, as if there was no way I had been exposed to something so obscene in my life. As if Colorado does not get cable, or that there is no such behavior in Colorado. His tone was apologetic but also had a hint of relief; thank goodness I had experienced this first time glimpse at stripping in the safety of my subleased home, with friends there to comfort me.
But, at the same time, I can’t blame these people for being confused about Colorado. The men who direct you to baggage claim at the airport wear cowboy hats, boots and bootlace ties (I had to google the name of this tie—that’s how not Colorado it is). How can people not be confused when the first thing they see driving out of the airport is a demon stallion? That thing looks like a sacrifice we gave as a state to ensure a strong horse breeding season. I understand how people think the mountains are empty, snowcapped fields when the most recent Colorado contestant on the Bachelorette boasted ice fishing, hunting, and “being a Colorado outdoorsman” as his favorite activities. Most of the Coloradans I know are outdoors-y like any other outdoors-y person would be. Happy hour on a patio.
But don't worry ColoRADans I'm here as your official Ambassador to clear up this confusion. One unpaid internship at a time....

Speaking of my unpaid internship, I have very little contact with people on the days that I work so that is why my blog is lacking a little bit but I'm starting something new (in addition to this internship) on Sunday. I will be helping a small sketch comedy company with anything they need. Hopefully I will interact more and stop eating my lunch in the car (THIS IS A CHOICE!). Human contact is necessary, so good thing I have two roommates to talk to when I get home. Except sometimes I'm too scared to speak because I haven't spoken to people in so long who knows what's going to come out!? I've witnessed the weird things my friend, Natalie, says when she's been dogsitting for too many days in a row and it's not a situation I want to find myself in anytime soon.

Other than that, this weekend is promising to be pretty awesome. My friend from San Francisco is visiting and it's my brother's birthday so maybe I can update you all on something interesting after I begin speaking with people again... weeeee!!

Where Did I Get This?

Yesterday was Father's Day and in recognition of that wonderful holiday and my wonderful father I want to dedicate a portion of this post to him. As we all know, our parents make us who we are and there is no doubt I would not have turned out half as funny (or awesome) as I am without my dad. He shaped my humor by telling me puns before bed. While most children get a goodnight story, I got: "Two peanuts walked down the street. One was a salted". PURE GOLD. So thank you, Dad, for you made this blogger who she is today.

On that note, I love sarcasm. I'm hoping that comes through in this blog fairly aggressively. So naturally it is annoying when people do not think I understand their sarcasm. Listen up! If you have to tell me that your comment was sarcastic when I clearly responded with sarcasm then you obviously have no idea what you're doing. If you felt the need to clarify the sarcasm because I didn't laugh as you were hoping I would, then it probably just wasn't funny to begin with. And that's not sarcasm's fault, so don't you dare throw sarcasm under the bus like it was their fault that you aren't funny.

I have been exposed to sarcasm for many years- thank you Mom and Dad- and I can even remember getting upset when people misused sarcasm at a very young age. I was at a day camp and we were doing some acting exercise (I have always been a performer at heart) and the teacher asked who knew what sarcasm was. I had the perfect example, because my mom would say it to my brother every time he lied about anything. "You cleaned your room? Oh, yeah, and I'm Batman". The PG sarcasm I was brought up with only lead me to use it in R-rated instances. But instead of choosing me to give an example, the teacher picked this kid who said "when you say you're going to be somewhere in 2 seconds, you're being sarcastic". Umm, no... that's just being irresponsible. Who knows how fast one would have to drive to get anywhere in 2 seconds. Unfortunately my teacher also had no idea what sarcasm was because she accepted this horrible example. And everyone in that class has probably grown up to have no idea what is happening on all the major news networks: The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, Weekend Update, etc. It was at that day camp that I vowed to always protect and represent sarcasm in the way it deserves, as one of the most important tools used in society today.

Daily Grind

I have been slacking on my updating because dun da da daaah! I got an internship! I did not find this one on craigslist, I found it through my amazing brother, Eli. Eli used to intern for this man, a producer, and passed along my name. He is a refreshing change from the first experience I had in Hollywood. He is actually a nice person. He is a family man, lives a very modest lifestyle and is still very successful--who knew it was possible?!

With an internship in the entertainment industry under my belt, I have come to focus my sights on a paying job of some sort that I can have in addition to the internship. There is no easy way to say this.... but I have a spending problem. I'm a sucker for good food and a good time- which we all know is never free. Nothing is free. I don't understand how this city is so expensive when everyone I meet is working a non paid internship. This should actually be the cheapest city because no one has a job to pay for anything. I wanted to go to the beach for some sunshine and ended up paying 20 dollars to park. There goes the foot long street hot dog and admit one ticket into the Venice Boardwalk Freakshow I was planning on buying.

I have come to notice the diversity around me in this city. Let's take my gym for example. I work out at 24 hour fitness right by the airport, and it boasts some strikingly different characteristics than the 24 in Boulder. In Boulder there is a community of young, environmentally friendly moms who gather for daily yoga while Kelly Clarkson or Tom Petty play from the speakers. I walked into the 24 in LA and was the only white, female, non-body builder. This is really something else coming from Boulder where the African American population is the CU football team. I have always been a minority (half-Jew) and was immediately comforted by the loud gangster rap that played throughout the club. I do have a soft spot for gangster rap... call me a feminist.

Road Rave

Before I moved to California I had several people tell me that I would be relieved to finally be surrounded by good drivers. Both my father (who grew up in California) and by brother (who has lived here for about five years) told me that the driving in LA far surpasses the driving skills of any other state. Well, California drivers, I’m here to tell you that not only are you not that great of drivers, but I have never seen poorer parking jobs in my entire life. I can appreciate the fact that California drivers know where they are going, how to get there and don’t mess around. There are definitely those hippie drivers in Boulder who are staring at the scenery and soaking up the joys of life while cruising in their car. And this can become aggravating when they are going 10 under the speed limit. So, yes, I agree that California drivers are better in that area. But I don’t think it warrants them the title of the “best drivers in the country”, especially when you see their park jobs. I go to the same parking garage almost every day and always find myself having to pass up several—I’m talking like six or seven viable parking spots because some douchers don’t know how to stay in the lines. It’s like all these drivers are in such rush to get where they are going that once they are there anything goes! No, not “anything goes” in a parking garage. You know what goes? Staying in the lines. Jackasses.

Sticking with the car theme, I saw several personalized license plates today, which reminded me that I hate them. Honestly, they should be illegal. They are a driving hazard, more of a driving hazard than talking on your cell phone. It’s like doing a crossword puzzle at the wheel. How frustrating is it when you are behind a personalized license plate that you can’t figure out? You stare and wonder and talk out loud trying to run the letters together in hopes that something will sound familiar. If the plate is really tricky you could lose your focus, get distracted and that very license plate could end up imprinted on your front bumper.

While I was passing up several potential spots due to poor parking decisions today, I had the opportunity to make another observation. There is a semi-unwritten rule about what cars you can “pimp out” and what ones you can’t. Your car has to be cool to begin with before you can add spinner rims or a matte finish to the paint. Needless to say if you are driving a forest green Ford Focus you might want to focus your funds somewhere else than on 22” chrome rims.

I’m going to end this post on a very positive note because sometimes I feel like my blog makes it sound like I’m hating on LA all the time. I really am coming to enjoy this city. It’s so different from where I’ve lived before and I’m loving exploring a new place. Yesterday I experienced the nicest public library I’ve ever seen. It had a café with the best frozen yogurt in the city and it didn’t smell like homeless people and wet books like the Boulder Public Library does. New places are always so exciting!

I've Been Had!

Damn you craigslist and my naivety that everyone has a good, kind soul. My “job” was a SCAM. The secretiveness that I sensed was real, but the secretiveness was to keep ME in the dark, not keep a cool assignment under wraps. Thank goodness I caught this, with the help of my brother, google scams and realistic thinking, before anything went too far. So, back to the drawing board on the job front.
Now to update you on the two other current endeavors of my life in LA: writing and finding friends. I am pleased to say that I have one friend here. His name is Jason and he’s also from Colorado. Combined we still have NO idea what to do in LA. The other day we walked along the boardwalk so far we spanned 2 cities, we were on the brink of entering Mexico but we didn’t bring our passports so we had to turn around. We encountered a few drunkards along the walk and were tempted to exchange phone numbers with them because they had already proved themselves to be cool. If I've learned anything in the past 22 years it's that public drunkeness is cool. Other than walking, we haven’t quite gotten the hang of what to do/where to go. But I can confidently say we have mastered walking. We’ve tossed around the idea of posting an ad on craigslist of “cool people seek another cool friend who does fun things”. And unlike a few other things I know on craigslists, this is not a scam.
I went to dinner with a friend from college last night, and it was one of the best nights so far in LA. It combined all the things I care about: casual drinks, the Lakers game, food and recapping funny situations of our friends from afar. So Sears if you are reading my blog, you've now made the list of my friends in LA. Be proud it's a super exclusive list. There are only two people on it.
Now as far as writing, this blog is where I am spitting quite a bit of my creative energy, but my brother and I are hard at work on mock episode for the TV show "How I Met Your Mother". We are planning on entering in a fellowship competition that would hopefully get us PAID. Not only in money but in experience. Most of you readers know that I am borderline obsessed with How I Met Your Mother, and those of you who don't know that obviously don't know me and have no business reading this blog. JUST KIDDING. read on, but also see the show because it is the best show on television.

Getting My Flirt On

Making new friends is one of the most awkward experiences of all time. Be you guy or girl, there is no doubt that you gotta get your heterosexual flirt on. Thankfully I was in a sorority in college so girl flirting is basically my thing. I’m living in a house with two other girls and a boy. They, having a life, are gone a lot and I, having no life, am at the house quite a bit. Heterosexual friend flirting is a very difficult art to master, you must both leave your subject wanting more, but not creep them out. It is a very thin line to toy with. But the first weekend of my arrival in LA is quickly approaching and I’m pretty confident in my abilities to force a girl crush on my roommates (well except the boy, maybe we will just develop a normal friendship). Wish me luck everyone!

PS- if any of my roommates have somehow stumbled upon my blog… this is now awkward.

success!

I got a job today! I am the personal assistant to a man who runs a business in Los Angeles but is in London for a few months. I will receive detailed instructions about what I am to do every week. Which makes it all kind of secretive, like I'm a spy or something. Like my mission cannot be disclosed until the very last second to ensure no information is leaked. And then I remember that he told me I would be taking inventory on clothes and electronics and the whole spy thing kind of falls apart. BUT it is a job non-the-less, and while it does not have anything to do with comedy, (as so perfectly put by Marshall in How I Met Your Mother) I need a reason to put pants on in the morning.
I'm still working on the comedy stuff but this will put a nice chunk of change in my pocket. holllllar.

Baby Steps

The job/internship search continues. I am not having the best luck in finding an internship to replace the one that brought me out here (more on that later). But I have successfully applied for several assistant jobs over craigslist. One of the biggest problems is I know what I want to do, but when you type “being funny” into the search bar for craigslist or careerbuilders.com you don’t get the best results.
This search has brought me to the conclusion that finding jobs is dumb. How are you supposed to take all the knowledge you gathered in college and define it in one tiny word to fit into a search bar of a truly unhelpful website? I was an English major and am one of, if not the only, English major who does not want to be a lawyer or teacher—far too ambitious. I have real, completely obtainable dreams of being a comedy writer! And then there is the age-old dilemma of having lack of experience, and how is one supposed to gain experience if no one will hire you? And on top of it all, there are those parents (not mine, I have been lucky enough to have parents that are actually supporting this outrageous move to Los Angeles sans job) who are constantly on their child’s case about getting, not just a job, but a career. Well, listen up parents. None of us can get jobs because you are all still working. It’s not the immigrants stealing our jobs; it’s our own parents. Yeah, that’s right I just solved the immigration issue. That should be my job. Now who’s paying me?

Are motorcycles the new CR-V?

If my two least favorite things weren't helmet hair and profusely sweating I would definitely invest in a motorcycle in this city. These cyclists weave in and out of traffic with such ease while I don't move at all. I do not even move with ease within my own vehicle in fear that any gesture towards my phone would be interpreted as violating the "hands-free law". The "hands-free law" is the law in CA that you cannot hold/talk on/text/email/play brickbreaker (all of which I do best while on the road) while you are driving. The fine is large, but the embarrassment that would come along with the ticket is far larger. I do not want to stand out as foreigner anymore than I already do with my Colorado plates and courteous driving skills. So I suppose until I make it big and get some ca$h money, I will forgo the motorcycle and invest in a bluetooth headset.

Welcome!

Hello all my readers (aka Mom, Dad and any friends who are embarrassingly bored--get lives, people), this is my first post. I'm Anna, that's "On-Uh" not "Anne-Uh", just so we are all clear on that, and this blog is going to take you through the trial and tribulations of my effort to make it big (or just survive) Hollywood in comedy writing. I have never left home for longer than a few weeks at a time so naturally I decided to move to a foreign city during the biggest transition stage of my life, from college to the real world. I'm from Denver, CO and spent the last four years of my life in a blur of fun, learning and drinking at the University of Colorado- GO BUFFS! I've left amazing parents, and mediocre friends in Colorado to dip my feet in the shark tank of Los Angeles. I will keep you updated on any writing, internships, jobs, common interactions with the locals, etc as often as I can in this blog. Which will be very often seeing as of right now I have nothing on my plate. So hold on tight, because this blog is sure to ROCK YOUR WORLD.