Right now I am working as a nanny to support my real career that is currently not making any money. It’s a pretty sweet deal I’ve got going on here, I get to eat a lot of organic snacks and have ample time to write. I have successfully transitioned from being stuck in a home office and speaking to no one, to being outside a lot and speaking to only two year olds and/or Spanish-only speaking nannies. Moving on up! While the kid I take care of now is very well behaved and actually pretty funny to be around, I have had some not so pleasant nannying experiences.
One time in college I went to a woman’s house for a meet and greet with the family to see if it would be a good match, a sort of speed dating for nannies. She started by telling me that her son was a sweet heart but that her six-year-old daughter had ‘behavioral issues’. I assumed that meant that her daughter didn’t share well or preferred to play alone. But when her daughter entered growling, a distinct ‘don’t fuck with me’ look piercing past her furrowed brow, not sharing well with others was small potatoes. Her mother assured me that she wouldn’t actually bite me, but I wasn’t as confident. Needless to say that meet and greet did not extend to a second date. I mean, what good is a writer without fingers? I had my future to think about here.
I also once nannied for a five-year-old boy who, when I told him he couldn’t have anymore cookies, cried so long and so hard that he all of a sudden face planted on the table into a deep REM sleep. I approached with caution to make sure it wasn’t some sort of act and when I successfully deducted that he was fast asleep, I surfed the internet until he woke up. I quickly brushed the cookie crumbs from his face so as not spark a memory of his meltdown and experience another fit, then I built him a fort and I became his favorite nanny once again.
At another juncture in my life, I was a head coach of a middle school girl’s basketball team. And while I wasn’t their nanny, I was in charge of keeping track of them, an added bonus of this job being to keep track of their threats to opposing teams. There were several outbursts, but when one of my players threatened to shank an opponent, I decided I would not be back to defend our win-less season the following year.
Yes, I have had my fair share of challenging kids, but I really lucked out with the kid I am nannying right now. He’s really cute, never cries and usually listens to me. He did throw a stick at my face the other day but I’m pretty sure it’s just because he has poor aim. Which I can’t fault him for, that is for the mean, judgemental hallways of middle school to point out to him. But no matter how easy the kids are to get along with, my years of nannying have driven me to come up with…‘lies’ is too strong, so we’ll go with ‘tricks’ to make sure the child and I both have a mutually enjoyable time together.
Yes, this means telling the child that we will come back and get the oversized, muddy stick after lunch, then throwing that stick as far as I can when his back is turned. Silently cursing it for adding 45 minutes to our walk home by making it exciting to poke every speck of mud along the way.
Yes, this means only reading every 3rd page of “Cars and Trucks and Things That Go” right before nap time because we’ve read if for 3 weeks straight and Anna needs to catch Gangland on cable upstairs. Damn you Richard Scarry for writing a 74 page long children’s book.
And yes, this means asking him if he wants a snack so as to distract him from the steep hill that he is capable of climbing due to his age but I am incapable of climbing due to my laziness.
These tricks aside, I am a pretty damn good nanny. I know what kids like. They like me blowing bubbles with my gum, they like forts, they like reallllly high high-fives. And I give that to them. I'm getting things out of this job besides money... really toned arms from lifting the kid up and down and I'm picking up a lot of Spanish from my peers.
Can anyone say "The Nanny Diaries - The Sequel"??
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