A Tip For Lifelong Success

I think we have established, with a fair amount of certainty, that I do not do well with surprises that force me to make a split second decision. I can’t recognize hearts of palm when making a salad for my boss, I can’t wrap my mind around the acceptability of the truth when caught of guard with a question, I can’t even correct people when they call me Fran Drescher… or Monica… or Don. And while I may be alone on my frantic reactions in these situations, I think I speak for everyone when I say there is nothing more surprising, that forces you to make a quick decision, than realizing the person you’re talking to has a lazy eye.

I first encountered this a year or so ago when in a crowded lecture hall in college when I was a guide for freshman girls going through sorority recruitment. I was standing trying to get control of my overzealous tweens and was several rows in front of my group when I looked up at one of my girls to answer her question. It appeared that she was talking past me, several rows behind me, to someone else. I turned around to make sure she was talking to me, saw no evidence to the contrary and turned back. I was stunned into a panic and red face when I realized she had a lazy eye. She only gave the illusion of looking at someone else. I felt so bad; I almost gave her a bid to my house right then and there.

I could not have had a more obvious ‘lazy eye confusion reaction’. She saw right through my quick and panicked cover of, “oh, I thought I, uh, thought I heard my name…” I reflected on my embarrassing turn around for hours after the incident and over dramatized it to the point where I envisioned my whole body had turned in such rapid, cartoon-esque confusion that my neck looked like a twisted rope of Silly Putty, having turned several times searching for the destination of her focus. And everyone’s hair whipping across their faces from the typhoon style winds that came from my movement. In reality I’m sure I’m sure I played it cool… but probably not that cool.

I have found the best way to handle these situations is to either treat your new friend as Cyclopes and stare directly in between their eyes, or change the topic of conversation to the scenery and spend the rest of your conversation looking out at the horizon gesturing to various things and avoiding eye contact completely. Now, clearly both of these tactics have their own ideal setting and you must use your own judgment when deciding which to use. Obviously, a run-in on a rural path in Tuscany at sunset is perfect for drawing attention to scenery, but a run-in in the dog food aisle at the grocery store might leave you setting your focus to the center of their face.