Never wear a red shirt to Target.

I get severe buyers remorse. At any given point that I have money at my disposal, I feel capable of buying things. A feeling that quickly goes away as soon as I get home, sit on my couch and look at my the shopping bags full of mistakes. I usually return most of the things I bought the very next day.

It is interesting that I so quickly change my mind when I get home because a lot of planning goes into my shopping adventures. I need to think seriously about plan the area surrounding the mall or shop I will be patronizing and there are two things that must be available to me for a pleasant shopping experience.

The first is a place to replenish my shopping enthusiasm (this can come in the form of a Wetzel’s Pretzels or Mrs. Field’s, but it must, must have Coca-Cola products). I have on several occasions left businesses because they serve Pepsi products and in an activity that brings me to an internal mental debate I can’t risk the reaction of an unfavorable variable.

The second factor I must have before shopping is the availability of ample parking. I am not into circling my prey like a shark. I need to dive in before my buyers remorse sets in pre-purchase or even pre-browse. That, and I don’t know how to parallel park.

And because I am by no means a baller (in the sense that I don’t make a lot of money, however, I AM a baller in every other sense of the word), I have to do intense monetary weighing to ensure I will survive this shopping trip. I schedule what I will be eating day-by-day for the week before I will allow myself to spend any excess money. So screw you, cravings, Tuesday says “mac-n-cheese”. DEAL WITH IT.

The biggest problem is not that I waste my time, gas and energy justifying or criticizing my purchases. No, the biggest problem is that I’m bad at having buyers remorse. I usually go back to the store and after returning my items, take a lap around the store and find other things I want to buy. Yesterday I went to Target to return a $16.00 pair of sunglasses and left with $58.00 worth of bathroom accessories.

I have decided it’s my old athlete’s mindset taking control. I need the first trip to the store to warm myself up for the doozie of a purchase I will make upon my second trip. I could pull something if it wasn’t for these warm ups.