Embracing The Unembraceable

I have never enjoyed talking on the phone. In the past I have tried to limit my phone conversations to no more than 5 minutes. I have lost friendships because of my discrimination against phone calls. I could never have a long distance boyfriend. Or a needy boyfriend. Or a talkative boyfriend. Or a boyfriend that owns a phone…. I would constantly blame the cramp in my elbow from holding the same position towards my ear for too long on him. But that was the old me. Things have changed! This move to California has forced me embrace the long, catch-up telephone call. I can say I’ve gotten pretty good at it. My mom was really nervous when I was moving that I would never talk to her, she was all too familiar with my hatred of long phone calls, but she has been pleasantly surprised. It does help that I have no friends and decide to call my mom to tell her what I put on my sandwich each day. But hey, it’s our quality time. There are a few things I’ve learned as my phone use has increased and it has helped me realize why I have disliked this hobby for so long…

1. My humor depends heavily on my recognition of body language. If I can’t see your face, I can’t tell if my jokes are a hit or a miss. And damn you, you silent laughers. I never know if you are offended by a joke or enjoying it thoroughly.
2. I also have this tendency to talk over people because I think their story is over. I’m SORRY my definition of a breath between sentences is a short one.
3. I hate the awkward apology by both parties for talking at once, followed immediately by “no, you go ahead” which you also say at the same time. Phone conversation is far too cramped despite being so far away.
4. And don’t get me started on ear sweat, sometimes so severe it gives your phone water damage—am I right or am I right?

So if you want to know even more about my life besides what you get in these blog posts (don’t lie you know you can’t get enough of me) I am now taking phone calls. But keep them brief, alright? I have a lot going on.

I'm going to Colorado today and I couldn't be more excited! Unfortunately for you readers that means I will probably be far too busy to update this blog. BUT that means there will be a large, most likely outrageously funny blog post to come when I return to LA.