I'm Baaaaaack

I’ve arrived back in California safe and sound from my wonderful trip to Colorado. The most important thing for me is that arrived to both of my destinations, via airplane, safely. See, in the past four or so years I’ve developed a fear of flying. Many can’t tell I’m terrified on the plane and that is because, like in most every other aspect of my life, I keep my cool. But little do people know that every muscle in my body is constantly flexed, always prepared to launch through the aisles to an emergency exit. Several people have offered the advice that I drink before a flight to calm myself. This is out of the question. I must have my wits about me while in the air. The last thing I want to do is forget where my floatation device is because I’ve had too many Bloody Marys. My fear ranges from making flying mildly to severely uncomfortable for me. This range in anxiety depends on the variables I have come to realize ease my nerves. Unfortunately, the chance of having all of these variables occur in one trip is slim to none. I follow the acronym, “FLY”, to remind myself of these variables and I advise any and all of you to remember this acronym as well should we ever fly together. Otherwise “FLY” is exactly what we won’t do; a panic attack on my part might ground the plane… (this has never happened)

F
Forty to sixty-five year old men.
I must sit next to one. It helps if they appear to be businessmen, this way I know they travel frequently and usually show no signs of fear. What does not help is sitting next to a man that is too elderly, because then I end up helping him with his tray table when I have far better things to do. Like make sure the wing of the plane has not dipped below the invisible line I’ve drawn across the sky suggesting a fall in altitude. This brings me to the second calming factor for my flying experience…

L
Latitude.
I must sit by a window. It gives me the best view of the skyline and I can keep tabs on the consistency of the plane’s latitude. For some reason I think that I can see, perhaps sense, a storm that the pilot might be unable to detect. You can never have too many eyes when flying the friendly, if not sometimes misleading, skies. Speaking of friendly, we come to the last of my variables.

Y
You better know what you’re doing, flight attendant.
I rely heavily on my flight attendants. I look to them for comfort; if they seem in control then all is well. If they seem like they could have taken Britney Spear’s outfit from her “Toxic” video, boarded the plane and proceeded to serve me refreshments while being completely clueless and thus useless to an alert passenger such as myself, I am not at ease.

One time I had boarded a plane headed from Charleston to Chicago. The engines started up and we began to pull away from the gate only to have the pilot come over the loud speaker. We were told we all had to de-board and the problem with the plane would be fixed in a couple hours. As soon as we got back to the gate the pilot came back on and informed us the problem had been fixed and we were heading out again. Immediately I felt the crew did not put their A-game into fixing this problem. How can something go from needing 2 hours of attention to being fixed before we even reach the gate? I was skeptical, so naturally I turned to my flight attendant. She shook her head and looked around, “I don’t know what’s happening” That is absolutely the last thing you want to hear your flight attendant say. It is right up there with your dermatologist saying, “hmm, this growth is abnormal” or the bartender saying “you’re cut off”, it scares and outrages you.

Some people find the flight attendants annoying because they will force you to check your bag if it is oversized (it’s easier on everyone if you check your bag), won’t take your credit card to buy your alcoholic beverage (this is a plane not a bar), and no longer serve you a hot meal (welcome back from 1995, there are no hot meals on planes). No wonder that Jet Blue flight attendant freaked out, passengers can be a real pain in the ass. Good thing I’m on the plane as their ally, another person to maintain order on the plane. Some call the Jet Blue attendant a hero (I think that might be a little strong), but a revolutionary is not. I would have loved to be on that flight because he proved something to me that most flight attendants can’t… the emergency exit slide does, in fact, work.